I left the house alone for the first time today since March 3. I had to leave my bubble of comfort, health and safety to visit my doctor and get a check-up on Baby Girl. (She’s doing great!) I had a ton of anxiety going to the doctor alone and—if I’m honest—going at all. I was screened at the door by a nurse wearing a surgical mask and gloves and had to sign my receipt with a sanitized pen. I sat in a chair as far away from the one other patient as I could, hands in my lap, phone in my back pocket, not intending to touch it or take it out the entire visit. When another nurse brought me back and took my vitals, she discussed what the next few visits would look like—standard stuff like a glucose screening and Tdap vaccine. Then, she looked at me empathetically and said, “Let’s hope this is all past us by then.” As she left the room, something in me snapped. Maybe I was finally acknowledging the overwhelming fear I’ve had that my baby might be born into the world during a global pandemic. Or that my parents and in-laws won’t get to be present during her birth if this is still going on. That being pregnant possibly makes me at a higher risk for getting this virus and we don’t know how it truly affects the baby, or if I’d […]
Recently, my therapist (yes, I see a therapist once a week and highly recommend it for everyone) asked me how I was doing. “Fine,” I said. “I’m really just fine.” We started talking, and we realized I truly am fine. I’m okay, stable, balanced, for the first time in a long time. By nature, I’m dichotomous. I live in the black and white, the up or down. I want so badly to be balanced and level, living in the grey, but often I’m only experiencing wanted emotions when I’m either up on the mountaintop or down in the valley. I never take time to just enjoy the plateaus when they come. Instead, when I’m in a plateau, I search for the other shoe to drop. I look for the bad, for the valleys. I search for things that will elevate my mood and send me climbing up the hill, or I unintentionally stir the pot to cause chaos. But I never just sit and enjoy the present moment. I’ve joked that I thrive in chaos, but it’s true. Maybe it’s from a rocky past or maybe it’s just because the chaos is where I can truly feel the most of my emotions. As much as I hate feelings sometimes, I also don’t know how to exist when they are “just fine.” Have you ever been in a plateau? Where the world around you is spinning on its axis and you’re […]
I’m in a season of waiting right now, and it isn’t easy. As humans, we live for instant gratification. We want what we want, and we want it now. Unfortunately, that’s not how life works. And as a believer, I know that’s not how God works. Trusting in His Will is hard sometimes. I wish I was a good and faithful servant, accepting of the fact that my timing and God’s timing aren’t always in sync. But the truth is, I’m just not always that way. There’s this thing that I want more than anything in the world right now. And the longer I go without getting it, the more doubtful and frustrated I become. But the more I try to control, the less control I have. I can waste all this time and energy trying to make it come to be, but in the end, my efforts won’t matter. In my heart, I know it’s all in His timing. But that still doesn’t take away the pain in the waiting. So what do you do? What can I do? All I know is to just stay faithful. As faithful as I can, at least. I use this period of waiting as a testimony to the blessings he will one day bring. But here’s the thing—his blessings might look different than the blessings I expect. Let me say that again. His Will for my life might not match my expectations. […]
This afternoon I was quickly headed toward full melt-down status. This holiday season, I’ve been so adamant about everything being “perfect” in our new house. My plan was to create a Pinterest-approved, “Rustic Glam” Christmas. Hues of golds, pearls, whites and silver were all I could focus on. It was elegant, classy, grown-up and just what our little house needed. However, life doesn’t always follow your plan. (Wait, what?) Life likes to do its own thing, and right now life has put my family on a “budget”. And people on budgets can’t really justify spending $300 on new Christmas decorations, especially when they already have boxes upon boxes in the attic. My husband pulled down the boxes and I started unpacking the decor. We’d just had a stressful chat about our (read: my) spending lately, and I was starting to realize I’d have to “make do” with the decorations we already had. It was supposed to be my favorite time of the year…my favorite day of playing a Christmas movie, joyfully decorating and living out this tradition with the man I love. Except, I wasn’t joyful; I wasn’t blissful at all. In fact, I was what some might call a Grinch. I opened a box and saw greens and reds, decorations without a theme, lights that didn’t match… what was this? This isn’t what I wanted. This isn’t what I planned. And as I started wallowing in self-pity over the […]
“He tells me He will meet me where I’m at, fulfill my needs and take care of me, so long as I seek first His Kingdom. I’ll rest in that today.” I wrote this blog post almost a year ago to the date, and it still speaks so much truth to me. I constantly need the reminder that I’m right where He wants me and He’s never going to forsake me. When I’m in the storm, He’s holding open his arms as my strength and my shelter. I just have to take the first step to Him. And when that storm passes, He is still right there embracing my praise-song. He is there, right there, through all the highs and the lows, but I have to seek Him, always. I’m so awestruck by this mighty King I serve and overwhelmed with His love and grace today.