I left the house alone for the first time today since March 3. I had to leave my bubble of comfort, health and safety to visit my doctor and get a check-up on Baby Girl. (She’s doing great!) I had a ton of anxiety going to the doctor alone and—if I’m honest—going at all. I was screened at the door by a nurse wearing a surgical mask and gloves and had to sign my receipt with a sanitized pen. I sat in a chair as far away from the one other patient as I could, hands in my lap, phone in my back pocket, not intending to touch it or take it out the entire visit. When another nurse brought me back and took my vitals, she discussed what the next few visits would look like—standard stuff like a glucose screening and Tdap vaccine. Then, she looked at me empathetically and said, “Let’s hope this is all past us by then.”
As she left the room, something in me snapped. Maybe I was finally acknowledging the overwhelming fear I’ve had that my baby might be born into the world during a global pandemic. Or that my parents and in-laws won’t get to be present during her birth if this is still going on. That being pregnant possibly makes me at a higher risk for getting this virus and we don’t know how it truly affects the baby, or if I’d be able to fight it off as well as I could prior to my pregnancy. Tears started welling up in my eyes, so I blinked them back and took a few deep breaths. Not here. Not now.
I made it through the (very quick) appointment with my doctor without having a breakdown. I rode the elevator in private and walked to the car, still a little anxious and conscious of what I was touching. I sanitize my hands and grabbed my phone, first making a call and then searching for a worship song to play. I decided on “The Blessing” by Kari Jobe and Cody Carnes. I hadn’t yet heard it, so I figured I’d give it a shot.
I drove on, listening to the words playing through the speaker:
“May His favor be upon you
And a thousand generations
And your family and your children…”
All I could think about in that moment is how God’s got me and my baby and my family. Regardless of what happens or what is happening in this world, God has always had me in his palm, looking out for me each step of the way.
Someone recently posted something that God knew about this pandemic long before it happened. He knew exactly where we would be in our lives. He knew I would be pregnant during this time and he planned for this. He equipped me with everything I needed to bring a baby into the world DURING these times.
Then, Kari started singing, over and over and over, “He is for you. He is for you. He is for you. He is for you,” and I lost it. Driving in my car, with multiple other cars around, I wept. Not just a small cry, but black streaks down my face, hyperventilating tears. I wept with JOY because God is FOR ME. No matter what happens, He is for me. He is with me. He is good. And He is at the end of all of this. And man, what a freeing realization that is. There’s hope in that and I’m resting in that today.