Recently, my therapist (yes, I see a therapist once a week and highly recommend it for everyone) asked me how I was doing.

“Fine,” I said. “I’m really just fine.”

We started talking, and we realized I truly am fine. I’m okay, stable, balanced, for the first time in a long time. By nature, I’m dichotomous. I live in the black and white, the up or down. I want so badly to be balanced and level, living in the grey, but often I’m only experiencing wanted emotions when I’m either up on the mountaintop or down in the valley. I never take time to just enjoy the plateaus when they come.

Instead, when I’m in a plateau, I search for the other shoe to drop. I look for the bad, for the valleys. I search for things that will elevate my mood and send me climbing up the hill, or I unintentionally stir the pot to cause chaos. But I never just sit and enjoy the present moment.

I’ve joked that I thrive in chaos, but it’s true. Maybe it’s from a rocky past or maybe it’s just because the chaos is where I can truly feel the most of my emotions. As much as I hate feelings sometimes, I also don’t know how to exist when they are “just fine.”

Have you ever been in a plateau? Where the world around you is spinning on its axis and you’re okay? It’s not great, and it’s not awful. It’s just fine. What do you do when you are fine, when you are okay? I’m going to work to be fine with “fine”. I’m going to work to enjoy the plateau. Because I think a lot of life happens in the plateau, and I think that’s okay. In fact, I think it’s exactly how it is supposed to be.

Signing off from my seat on the plateau,

Erin